Monday, April 30, 2012

Diary of a Mad Halfcaste Woman

It’s a terrible thing having the power to pull someone’s world down around them in your hands. Especially when surrounding external forces relating to that someone have such a profound effect on your emotions. It’s like, the battle between good you and evil you. Soldiering on through the mist, the moral compass pointing north, is ideal but it’s hard! Especially when there’s reminders of your lemons in life slapping you in the face left, right and centre. Suddenly that soldier is not looking so north, but rather west where momentary satisfaction lies, the moral danger.

If only what was right, was easy.

Sometimes I catch myself when I’m drowning in negative thoughts and I think, What have I become?? Have I changed or have I always never been as good a person as I thought… But then I somehow come to the conclusion, No I haven’t changed, this is normal. Human. This is self exploration, self revelation. The part of me that I once made vulnerable, hasn’t learnt to protect itself yet, it’s still at the mercy of humanity. And that’s where I’ve lost my faith. Humanity. But that’s another day’s rant.

But this all-consuming, soul-defying itch to destroy is coming from somewhere. Driven by jealousy, stemmed from anger, born of hurt, which of course, comes down to heartache. Still. Yes, it still plagues me. And so I conclude, the human mind is the most poisonous place to be.

And I cannot disagree with Euripides, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

And oh, how that fury burns on and cannot be relinquished till its thirst to scorch has been quenched.

See? The internal battle of good and evil goes on… bothersome when I’m trying to be like Jesus. The good guy always wins in the end though, right? Mmmm.. this is not Hollywood.

But now that that’s out, all that wallowing and self cherishing has been vented, ye givers of lemons ready to see me make lemonade?

No comments: